I know a thing or ten about loss. I’ve suffered a lot of loss. A lot of should have been this way— a lot of this never should have happened. But it was that way and it did happen. It was heart breaking, feeling the pain of the losses rip though my chest, feeling like it was separating me soul from body. The hollowness of head from crying so much, not being able to envision how I was ever going to make a comeback from the loss.

It feels so gruesome that loss is a part of life, it feels so personal, so deep. One could argue that they hate experiencing loss. I understand feeling that way. What helped me process losses, feel the feelings and begin to heal? What helped me begin to rebuild after suffering such great losses?

The first thing that helped me change my perspective on the loss I was suffering from was that I couldn’t see the whole picture. There are things that were set in motion long before I arrived here in this life and there are things that other people have to go through as a part of their own journey here— I just happen to be a part of it and I will feel that loss with them too. Or experience the loss of them. I know people die too young. It broke my heart. I felt helpless to help. I felt lost. I felt like our entire future was crumpled up and thrown in the trash. It was. It was annihilated. It never should have happened. Right?

Some people are born with impairments. The whole person that I thought she would be become got thrown out and all the experiences I thought she’d have went with it. Anything normal or conventional got tossed out. That path abruptly ended and it took me a long time to move on from that loss and heal and come to a place of acceptance. In a perfect world it never would have happened. In my world where I control everything, it never would have happened. In my world where everything happens exactly as I want it to.

It’s an awful feeling isn’t it?

In a perfect world I would have had a mother that was loving and compassionate. I would have had a sibling that was my friend not an undercover enemy that sabotaged me any chance she had. In a perfect world I’d have grown up in a sober home, where love was freely given not harshly earned or withheld as punishment. It should have been different, right? In my perfect world, it never would have happened.

I don’t fully understand what my soul came here to learn but based upon what I have endured, I can take a few guesses. And in truth, I never would have learned the things I have unless I had been taken to the utter end of my rope like I have. Humans are stubborn and love being comfortable. I know I’m not the only one, I see it every day in little ways with each person my life touches. It’s east to get comfortable and stay there. But something that doesn’t move can’t grow. And something that doesn’t grow is deceased. This I know to be true.

Sometimes our hearts get ripped open in such massive ways so we can turn around and love big. I can tell you what I know about how my pain has changed me and what I have the capacity for now that I never did before. Loss and pain opened my eyes to the human condition and how very fragile and precious life really is and how we spend so much time wasting our precious resources on things that do not matter at all. What we see as valuable and chase after is of zero value whatsoever. And the people that we should love the most, we don’t. The moments we curse and try to speed though are the moments that matter the most because the journey has greater value than the destination.

Blessings xx