We left off in a dark place because it was a dark place and there are people out there who would willfully put you back into that dark place and leave you there, if it meant they felt better.

The first thing I realized was; I wasn’t unlovable, they were incapable of love. I am not an unlovable woman. I was not an unlovable child. In fact, I was very lovable and kind and tender and compassionate but I think that was possibly what bothered them the most. I have always had the capacity for a deep and abiding love, nearly an unconditional love. I discovered eventually that my love transcended the bounds that would turn one’s stomach over or turn others away in fright. But for some strange reason, reasons beyond the scope of my present life understanding, I have the capacity to love people because I understand the human condition.

I see the fragility. I see the tenderness, the wounds, the aches and pains. I’ve been loving and merciful when I should have turned away in anger and unforgiveness. I forgave unthinkable things and loved still, in spite of being told I was being unforgiving or unloving. Living in awareness of one’s wrongdoings and moving accordingly, isn’t the same as being unforgiving. The burner was hot when it was on, so I no longer touch it, ye ken?

I don’t give from a deficit anymore because I deserve to be full too. I don’t show up because I need something, I show up because it’s who I am. I don’t love in hopes to get love back, I love because it is also who I am. I give compliments because I admired a thing about you and I know how a small but kind gesture matters.

Maybe what I endured shaped me in a positive way because I have learned to recognize the soul holes that other people are walking around with, and I know how painful it is. I know how dangerous it is to be vulnerable and share that those holes are even there! I know that when people move away from me that it often isn’t me, it’s the sheer terror of being close to other people because I fight that instinct every single day. But there’s a difference. I have no longer left myself in a position to be destroyed by other people because I understand the condition of humankind now.

Humans are generally self-centric. Or if they are not, it is often from a place of pacifying the wounds that were installed in childhood, much like the place I once lived from. How often is it that others give from the surplus that they actually are? It isn’t until we heal these broken places that we see the truth within ourselves that we are whole and that we already have all that we need. That we already are everything that we need to be. We do not need that approval from others.

Yes! We absolutely need the love and nurturing and encouragement when we are children. And we end up living from a deficit when we don’t get that. But rather than bleeding all over people and blaming people for our troubles, it’s time we do the ultimate and heal. Heal for ourselves. Heal for one another. Heal for the world. Have you not seen, the more broken and disconnected we are, the more disconnected and broken the world is? This is no coincidence. The microcosm is a reflection of the macrocosm.

After simply observing the people around me, I realized that the lack of love or compassion had nothing to do with me, it had everything to do with their trauma responses. But I could be the difference by handling my own differently. I could hold space for others and love them while they were struggling instead of shaming or judging them. I could ask questions instead of making assumptions. Once I truly recognized that it wasn’t me, I felt free to heal the wounds that I thought I deserved.

That’s a sick thought, isn’t it? As a child, I actually thought I deserved to get hit or called stupid. That’s how much the people who raise you affect the way you view yourself and your worth. I didn’t think I was worth anything because I saw that. I saw that buying me nice things was a waste. I saw the frustration when I made a mistake. I felt a slap when I was feeling emotions. The message was that I was wrong. What I did was wrong. How I felt was wrong. I wasn’t worthy.

It wasn’t until I was older and had enough space from it that I was able to see everything and everyone for who they truly are, not through the rose-colored glasses of who I needed them to be. I was able to forgive their misgivings, no matter how huge or how bad it completely fucked up my life because I recognized that forgiving was a part of my journey because it was a place I knew none of them would ever attain to. I knew I was here to do something different, to take my ancestral line in a completely different direction. I knew I came here to break the cycles and so I have. Honestly, that in and of itself has been enough to heal those unrequited love wounds. Because it was never about me, it was about how I handled myself and others after the wounding. I haven’t failed. I have peace and I forgive them. I forgive myself. I feel that I too have atoned for my own short comings.

This is how I healed.
I hope this helped someone today.

Blessings xx